You were called here for a reason.

My whole life I felt called to a depth that I couldn’t explain. As a kid, I was quiet, reserved, and often labeled “too shy.” In actuality, I had a whole world of emotions, images, and intuitive feelings going on behind my eyes—so much so that I could never translate it into comprehensible language. I felt too overwhelmed to form sentences. This led me to feel very closed off from the world, as if everyone silently understood something about the world that I had no idea how to figure out.

After trying so hard to make sense of the world, of people, of the social aspect of life, I found myself lacking in every area going into my teen years. I became deeply depressed, feeling like an alien who wound up on this planet by mistake, that no one wanted to deal with. I turned to substances to make friends. I become a pro at communicating through every means EXCEPT words—fashion, makeup, strange mannerisms, one-off sentences that were so weird they might at least intrigue people to interact with me.

My first awakening came when I was 20. I had been suffering so long with understanding myself and understanding the world. I made friends only to lose them. My depression multiplied. I harmed myself and made many suicide attempts. I got so low that I ended up in countless dangerous situations where I was abused and sexually assaulted. After that, my self-harm and suicide ideation got so bad that I ended up being forcibly removed from my college, taken away and put in a pysch ward. After that, I spent the next year living at home with my parents and going to PHP (partial hospitalization program) everyday. I had to relearn how to be human (as if I ever knew). I felt like a small child; my brain emptied of all thought—no longer holding the capacity to think—and I only scheduled my days around meals, therapy, and naps.

It was in PHP where I was first introduced to Reiki. A holistic therapist would visit the group every week to talk about holistic healing—crystals, chakras, and of course, Reiki. She explained it to me as if our body is a chest of drawers and sometimes the energy gets stagnant and disorganized—the drawers won’t shut all the way and there are clothes sticking out of the top. Reiki would help us put everything in its right place in order to fully close each drawer. I felt unexplainably connected to all that she taught me. I started going to crystal shops and reading spiritual books. It lit up my life. But, as I was only 20-21, I didn’t know how to hold this knowledge within circles that didn’t understand it. I hadn’t known any spiritual people. After being in therapy so long, I had to start building a life.

I worked countless retail jobs, I enrolled in a college that I could commute to from my parents’ house and finally got a degree. I had no idea what I wanted to do. I felt so behind that I just wanted to get my degree to prove that I did something after so many failures and setbacks. But once I got it, I never felt more lost. I got a job and an apartment to myself, and convinced myself I was okay. I wasn’t happy, but happiness wasn’t the goal. The goal was the facade of stability, so I could prove to all the people who saw me in that dark place that I would finally be okay.

I spent years at this job, with my depression and PTSD simmering under the surface until it became unbearable to be at work, trapped at my desk. I started going deeper in therapy, and everything rushed to the surface. All the trauma and the darkness. The last year I spent at that job was the hardest. I contemplated suicide everyday, often calling the suicide hotline in the middle of the night from my bathroom floor, only to wake up the next day and go back to work. Everyone assumed I was fine because that’s what I made them believe. I wouldn’t let myself go back to being the person who suffered loudly, only to be put away—locked in a hospital cell, shipped to the psych ward.

Finally there came a point when my suffering refused to let me be quiet. I was on the phone with my therapist one day when I told him “I can’t do this anymore.” I didn’t know at the time, but the moment I said those words my life changed. I took medical leave from that job, which continued to be extended until I was laid off since I would never be able to return. I was blessed with the gift of time—time to learn myself, to learn what I wanted. In saying “I can’t do this,” I subconsciously opened countless doors to learn what I can do. After that, things began popping up in my life serendipitously.

Right after my last day at work, I was guided to create a Youtube video. I had no idea why or where it would lead, but I made it—posting something online after being completely offline in the years since I was first hospitalized. Now my Youtube channel looks nothing like that first video I made, but I know I was led here, to the beautiful community with whom I get to share my light. I realized how powerful all the experiences in my life are—how much wisdom I hold because of it. I learned the art of tarot and oracle reading, before I was eventually led to the healing light of Reiki. Once Reiki came back into my life, everything began making sense. I kept searching for ways to heal, trying to find the right diagnosis that might explain why my life has been so hard. Nothing ever worked. Until Reiki.

Reiki doesn’t want to fix, Reiki wants us to remember our soul. Reiki wants us to be exactly as we are, even if we were once rejected and outcast for it. Reiki is the energy of the universe, the energy within all of us. Reiki gave me the permission I needed to grow, expand, and remember who I truly want to be in the world. Underneath the bullshit, the facade, the matrix, Reiki opened me up to my true values and desires that override everything else. Once I became attuned in Reiki, my connection to the entirety of the universe around me could never again be questioned. The opening of my energy channels not only gave me the gift to share the healing light of Reiki, but also to receive deeper connection and communication from my angels, spirit guides, and ancestors.

I still don’t know a lot, I’m still on the path to fully understanding myself, but I know my gifts, and I know I’m connected to all that is. I am a powerful intuitive healer who has overcome unflinching darkness. I am a powerful intuitive healer because I have overcome unflinching darkness. If this story inspired you, you are being called to deeper awareness and a deeper sense of self. You have gifts to share with the world, and it’s time to unlock them. If you feel called to work with me, I have a collection of services that is currently expanding. For now, you can book a Spirit Animal Life Path Reading, where we use the animal spirits to understand the energies that have been guiding you throughout your life, and the different karmic lessons your soul has encountered, in order for you to step more fully, authentically, and intentionally into your next chapter.